#53

They say 'money makes the world go round'. 'They', are wrong. Love, lust, sex and the resulting offspring are what really what makes the world turn. Reproduction: it's the primary objective of just about every living thing on the entire planet. That's a fact. 'Reproduction?', sounds a bit cold and scientific doesn't it? Perhaps not something you want to think about too often in case it makes life seem less special, less romantic, or less miraculous. Your life is not a miracle... no... not just a miracle, it's a thousand miracles, because you yourself are the product of a thousand stories of 'girl meets boy' (romantic enough?) over the past million years that us humans, in one variety or another, have walked the earth. A thousand parents before, anxiously muddled through parenthood, battling against adversity: in times of famine feeding their child when they had none, hiding their child when marauders attacked, holding their child aloft when flood waters came, huddling their child close against fire, storm and the cold... and that child, in effect, now, turns out to be you, and if just one of those parents had not invested all that love and protection somewhere along the line, then you would simply not exist. Since you do exist, and since the business of continuing to exist takes up a lot of your time, then it is all too easy to neglect marveling at your sheer infinitesimal good fortune of being alive. Saying we've all beaten the odds to be here at all, would be a massive understatement.

And so, upon the good news that Marc has just become a Dad, I wish continuing good luck to his new son Mason and all the other new children across the globe as you take us funny old humans into the future.

As Buzz Lightyear would say: 'to infinity and beyond'.

And in fact, as an after-though, maybe we could think of a new name to replace the rather cold scientific term of 'reproduction'... maybe because all sorts of animals are caught-up in it maybe we could name it after some nice little common-all-garden animals, hmmm, maybe we could call it something like: "the birds and the bees"......

#51

How bloody annoying. Unless you have a pair of scissors on you (which would be unwise given today's tougher laws on carrying knives) you can't properly enjoy a Mars bar or Marathon bar, or the like, while out and about. Why? Because of the bloody wrapper. How are you supposed to open these things with an ounce of decorum? There are lots of ways of opening them poorly that's for sure, all by splitting at the pinked end longitudinally. Bah. You always end-up with the pinked end of a flappy bit of damn plastic wrapper pokin' in yer face while you're trying to chow down on your favourite choccy bar, which severely detracts you from that opulent emersive enjoyment. And if you can't fully enjoy your chocolate bar then it's a waste, because if you're eating all that sugar, and so putting on all that weight, then you want to make sure you get 100% enjoyment out of the experience, don't you? I'm sure this annoys me much more than many readers because I remember the supposedly low tech old days when Mars bars came in waxed paper wrappers, and you could rip this low tech wrapper neatly across one end of the chocolate bar, almost as neatly and simply as if you cut it with a pair of scissors. I don't know why they moved to plastic wrappers, maybe it's cheaper... I can't imagine it was to increase the shelf life because these chocolate bars are so high in sugar that they are practically impervious to all microbiological activity, I certainly never had a stale Mars bar even in the seventies. So Mars, and other manufacturers, please bring back the waxed paper wrappers so that folk can enjoy your products in the proper civilised way with out distraction, properly emersed in a seeming eon of choccy yummy abstraction.

And actually, taking the above photo caused me to take a proper criticlal look at a modern Mars bar for the first time and it is striking how the plasic wrapper makes it look really cheap and tacky.

On last thing while I'm on the subject of chocolate bars: I heard new evidence on Radio 4 the other day on the 'size of Curly Whirlys' debate and how people think they used to be much bigger in the olden days. Apparently they had an old Curly Whirly wrapper on the set on Life on Mars as a prop, and apparently they could fit four of the modern Curly Whirlys in it! Another example of the decay in standards of modern choccy bars. Even before such compelling evidence, I was convinced that they were indeed much bigger before, and I wholly rejected the argument that they just seemed bigger when you were a child because you yourself were smaller... a very poor argument because I was a six foot or over strapping lad during most of secondary school. Bah.

Two cool progs on the box starting this week. One of them you will like or love (or hate) as much as you do this blog because it consists of similar rantings: for example the whinge I had on this blog about the demise of respect for content by the very TV companies that broadcast the programmes (highlighted by them always talking, practically shouting, over the outro music) was quite similar to #47... although the TV show is all TV-centric so Mars bar wrappers are unlikely to feature, alas. The show is 'Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe' on BBC4 10:30 Tuesdays... A bit like Harry Hill's TV Burp on acid... both kinds of acid come to think of it because when he gets in full swing it's like Brooker is on an acid trip whilst chewing unripe lemons -- things can get pretty sour.

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Update: Coincidentally although Mars bar wrappers were not discussed on Screenwipe, Charlie did scathe the TV advertizing industry in show number 2 in which there was an old Mars bar advert showing the old glorious wax paper wrappers. I took a screen shot but sadly for younger readers you can't very well see how much more classy the old wrappers were, but here it is anyway:

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The other programme to look-out for is Outnumbered on Saturday evenings on BBC1. Not that I have children of my own, but from what I have experienced visiting others, it seems to capture the random mild chaos of family life very well, where as children on other sitcoms are all a bit too smooth and organized.

#50

Time passes by 'a Custard Apple at a time'...or 'a year at a time' to you John. For I only indulge in one Custard Apple per year you see, because although they are most lovely and unique, they are also so sweet and sickly that only one can be consumed per anim.

Well that time of the year has come! Today I eat the Annual Custard Apple scooping-out its sweet flesh from it's lizard like skin. This time though I observe that it is not call a Custard Apple, no, some smarty pants at Tesco has been looking in their horticultural encyclopedia because now it is labeled as a 'Cherimoya'. It seems later than last year... and indeed it is as I check back on this blog (penultimate paragraph of 36) to last year's Custard Apple Day I find it was in October.

Thankyou Custard Apple...oh great punctuator of existence... see you next year.